Lord,
I know you are worth it, but sometimes I am so overcome by lies and what ifs that I can't see it.
I feel like everyone is leaving me behind and one day I will look around and everyone will be married, with kids, and happy. and me, I will be alone and deprived of every desire I have. As I write this I see how silly these lies are and how you don't lie about your promises. That isn't the lie I am believing. I am believing that I misunderstood your promise and that I heard wrong.
Lord with all of the mistakes I have made, even today as I make the same mistakes over an over, how can I feel worthy of the gifts and promises you speak over me? I feel a sense of unworthieness. I know I am unworthy and I cant fathom why someone unworthy is given undeserving worth and kindness. I need help with this grace thing. I need to understand this grace thing. This mercy thing. How can a God want to save His people whom have destroyed everything that He has given, who have turned their backs on Him over, and over and over and will continue to. I feel like this groom and bride relationship is one sided?
God I make promises to you that I cannot keep. I make stupid mistakes that I promise I won't make anymore. I tell myself and you, (and i think i even sometime believe im going to go through with it) that I will be better, i will DO better, I will work harder. But none of that works. doing and working is not how this grace and love thing work.
I want to say "I GIVE UP" but I know I won't give up. It is too hard to let go of it all, it is too vulnerable and scary to open myself up and not hide behind lies. I am convinced that I will be stuck here forever.
God how can any man want to marry someone like me? I am a mess, I am a screw up, Why do you want me to be bound to you? I know your yoke is light and easy and that no amount of baggage that comes with me is too heavy for you to carry. But I come with ALOT of baggage.
baggage of hate, baggage of deceit, baggage of idolism, jealousy, greed, rage!
Baggage of facade, materialism, glamour, and conformity
baggage of generational sin, sexual sin, family perversion
YET, when i write all of this down, i see how big you are
I understand your character
I know that no amount of hate, murder, death, twisted story I come from you will not stray, you will not leave
Your character is not waivered
Your plan is not messed up
You are not worried, or unstable or unbalanced
You do not change by my circumstance
You do not change based on my actions
You do not change based on my behavior
You do not change based on my emotion or how I feel
God you are soo good that I can't ever fathom how good
I wish i was better
I wish I was more "holy or godly"
But I know you see me as you created me to be
You see me whole, holy, and pure
You see me as a beautiful bride
Forgive me father, for believing lies, for conforming, for being jealous of others lives, for not being truthful, for not believing my identity, purpose, and plan. For not believing that I am the daughter of the King, that I am not worth being a wife, that my mistakes hinder the type of man that will want me. that I will not marry someone godly because of my mistakes. Forgive me for being quiet Lord, forgive me for gossiping. for not being diligent in my work, for not being hard working, for waivering, for not setting my eyes and mind on things above, forgive me for not walking out in who I am created to be. Forgive me for not trusting you and worrying about things of the natural that you have under control and are not worried about.
Thank you for your love, for your mercy lord, for your forgiveness and grace, thank you for your Son, and your plan, and your heart. Thank you for the many blessings I have been given, thank you for opportunities and parents who love me. Thank you for friendships, and education and job opportunities thank you for love and the experience of it that I have had in romantic relationships, in family relationships and friend relationships.
Lord I am tainted and my mind is tainted but I need you and if I know nothing else I do know that I NEED you and that I your love overrides anything else that matters.
I truly desire to know a perfect love like yours in a deep and intimate way. a way that will cleanse all of my mistakes, and all of the hurt i have caused and that has been caused toward me. I want to know so deeply your love that it penetrates the core of my soul and that it grows and overflows out of me. that it will shine through every dark corner that the enemy tries to lurk in. That it will cast out all fear and I will know that!
-Heather
I hope that somehow this mess of an entry reaches your heart and shows you that you are not alone in how you feel. You are not alone in the battle we face every day, a battle to choose destruction or freedom, the world or the Holy One. I hope this brings you comfort and security that you are not indeed, crazy.
