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Lord,

I know you are worth it, but sometimes I am so overcome by lies and what ifs that I can't see it.
I feel like everyone is leaving me behind and one day I will look around and everyone will be married, with kids, and happy. and me, I will be alone and deprived of every desire I have. As I write this I see how silly these lies are and how you don't lie about your promises. That isn't the lie I am believing. I am believing that I misunderstood your promise and that I heard wrong.
Lord with all of the mistakes I have made, even today as I make the same mistakes over an over, how can I feel worthy of the gifts and promises you speak over me? I feel a sense of unworthieness. I know I am unworthy and I cant fathom why someone unworthy is given undeserving worth and kindness. I need help with this grace thing. I need to understand this grace thing. This mercy thing. How can a God want to save His people whom have destroyed everything that He has given, who have turned their backs on Him over, and over and over and will continue to. I feel like this groom and bride relationship is one sided?

God I make promises to you that I cannot keep. I make stupid mistakes that I promise I won't make anymore. I tell myself and you, (and i think i even sometime believe im going to go through with it) that I will be better, i will DO better, I will work harder. But none of that works. doing and working is not how this grace and love thing work.

I want to say "I GIVE UP" but I know I won't give up. It is too hard to let go of it all, it is too vulnerable and scary to open myself up and not hide behind lies. I am convinced that I will be stuck here forever.

God how can any man want to marry someone like me? I am a mess, I am a screw up, Why do you want me to be bound to you? I know your yoke is light and easy and that no amount of baggage that comes with me is too heavy for you to carry. But I come with ALOT of baggage.

baggage of hate, baggage of deceit, baggage of idolism, jealousy, greed, rage!
Baggage of facade, materialism, glamour, and conformity
baggage of generational sin, sexual sin, family perversion

YET, when i write all of this down, i see how big you are
I understand your character
I know that no amount of hate, murder, death, twisted story I come from you will not stray, you will not leave

Your character is not waivered
Your plan is not messed up
You are not worried, or unstable or unbalanced

You do not change by my circumstance
You do not change based on my actions
You do not change based on my behavior
You do not change based on my emotion or how I feel

God you are soo good that I can't ever fathom how good

I wish i was better
I wish I was more "holy or godly"
But I know you see me as you created me to be
You see me whole, holy, and pure
You see me as a beautiful bride

Forgive me father, for believing lies, for conforming, for being jealous of others lives, for not being truthful, for not believing my identity, purpose, and plan. For not believing that I am the daughter of the King, that I am not worth being a wife, that my mistakes hinder the type of man that will want me. that I will not marry someone godly because of my mistakes. Forgive me for being quiet Lord, forgive me for gossiping. for not being diligent in my work, for not being hard working, for waivering, for not setting my eyes and mind on things above, forgive me for not walking out in who I am created to be. Forgive me for not trusting you and worrying about things of the natural that you have under control and are not worried about.

Thank you for your love, for your mercy lord, for your forgiveness and grace, thank you for your Son, and your plan, and your heart. Thank you for the many blessings I have been given, thank you for opportunities and parents who love me. Thank you for friendships, and education and job opportunities  thank you for love and the experience of it that I have had in romantic relationships, in family relationships and friend relationships.

Lord I am tainted and my mind is tainted but I need you and if  I know nothing else I do know that I NEED you and that I your love overrides anything else that matters.

I truly desire to know a perfect love like yours in a deep and intimate way. a way that will cleanse all of my mistakes, and all of the hurt i have caused and that has been caused toward me. I want to know so deeply your love that it penetrates the core of my soul and that it grows and overflows out of me. that it will shine through every dark corner that the enemy tries to lurk in. That it will cast out all fear and I will know that!

-Heather 

I hope that somehow this mess of an entry reaches your heart and shows you that you are not alone in how you feel. You are not alone in the battle we face every day, a battle to choose destruction or freedom, the world or the Holy One. I hope this brings you comfort and security that you are not indeed, crazy. 

Christ's Love for Us

How great is the Fathers love for us? We all have this ideal of what His love looks like, how far and how wide it may go. We read it in His word everywhere, without His love nothing else matters, without His love fear creeps in, without His love we cannot know Him, see Him, or seek Him. His love is perfect and unfailing, His love is just and righteous, His love is not self-seeking, His love is what caused Him to send His only son to die for each of our sins. His love is the reason we are free. But we can read all of this on paper and still not know His love.

Lately the Lord has really been pressing in and trying to get me to dig deep with Him about His love. It has haunted my dreams and thoughts and is one of my deepest desires: To know the Fathers love for me. To understand the cross. I want His love to dig deep into my soul, take out all the dead roots, and replace new seeds of His love. I want to dwell within me so deeply and take over my every thought and action. I want to know His love so closely and deeply that I am blinded by everything else. I want to know His love so much that every action will stem from knowing His love.

For so long I have been dealing with fear and guilt, trying to just break it off in the name of Jesus. Yes, deliverance is good, but my new understanding is that my fear and  guilt stem from not knowing His love as well as I thought I did. That instead of my actions coming from a deep conviction and desire from His love touching me so deeply, it has been coming out of obligation and my religious mindset. I have been living a dead life, I have been in a slumber of lies and hopelessness and have forgotten that I know the  best news possible! That Christ not only died for me but desires my love. He does not need my love, nor does He need anything. But He wants me to know Him, to fellowship with Him, and to abide in His love. (John 15:9-10).

Andrew Murray said it well when he wrote, "What a blessed life! Christ desires every disciple to live in the power of the very same love of God that He himself experienced."

Everything else we do is worthless if we do it without love. It can be confusing and overwhelming in our small little human brains to try and figure out the Fathers love for us. But instead of trying to figure out His love, or live life with a orphan mentality where you forget what price was paid for you, allow God to romance you and reveal His unending love for you.

 I pray that you allow this love to change your life in every aspect. The way you think, the way you live, and the way you treat others. I pray that the desire and conviction that has touched me will touch you and you will give into Him. Because it is a journey worth traveling!