Uncensored

Lord,

I know you are worth it, but sometimes I am so overcome by lies and what ifs that I can't see it.
I feel like everyone is leaving me behind and one day I will look around and everyone will be married, with kids, and happy. and me, I will be alone and deprived of every desire I have. As I write this I see how silly these lies are and how you don't lie about your promises. That isn't the lie I am believing. I am believing that I misunderstood your promise and that I heard wrong.
Lord with all of the mistakes I have made, even today as I make the same mistakes over an over, how can I feel worthy of the gifts and promises you speak over me? I feel a sense of unworthieness. I know I am unworthy and I cant fathom why someone unworthy is given undeserving worth and kindness. I need help with this grace thing. I need to understand this grace thing. This mercy thing. How can a God want to save His people whom have destroyed everything that He has given, who have turned their backs on Him over, and over and over and will continue to. I feel like this groom and bride relationship is one sided?

God I make promises to you that I cannot keep. I make stupid mistakes that I promise I won't make anymore. I tell myself and you, (and i think i even sometime believe im going to go through with it) that I will be better, i will DO better, I will work harder. But none of that works. doing and working is not how this grace and love thing work.

I want to say "I GIVE UP" but I know I won't give up. It is too hard to let go of it all, it is too vulnerable and scary to open myself up and not hide behind lies. I am convinced that I will be stuck here forever.

God how can any man want to marry someone like me? I am a mess, I am a screw up, Why do you want me to be bound to you? I know your yoke is light and easy and that no amount of baggage that comes with me is too heavy for you to carry. But I come with ALOT of baggage.

baggage of hate, baggage of deceit, baggage of idolism, jealousy, greed, rage!
Baggage of facade, materialism, glamour, and conformity
baggage of generational sin, sexual sin, family perversion

YET, when i write all of this down, i see how big you are
I understand your character
I know that no amount of hate, murder, death, twisted story I come from you will not stray, you will not leave

Your character is not waivered
Your plan is not messed up
You are not worried, or unstable or unbalanced

You do not change by my circumstance
You do not change based on my actions
You do not change based on my behavior
You do not change based on my emotion or how I feel

God you are soo good that I can't ever fathom how good

I wish i was better
I wish I was more "holy or godly"
But I know you see me as you created me to be
You see me whole, holy, and pure
You see me as a beautiful bride

Forgive me father, for believing lies, for conforming, for being jealous of others lives, for not being truthful, for not believing my identity, purpose, and plan. For not believing that I am the daughter of the King, that I am not worth being a wife, that my mistakes hinder the type of man that will want me. that I will not marry someone godly because of my mistakes. Forgive me for being quiet Lord, forgive me for gossiping. for not being diligent in my work, for not being hard working, for waivering, for not setting my eyes and mind on things above, forgive me for not walking out in who I am created to be. Forgive me for not trusting you and worrying about things of the natural that you have under control and are not worried about.

Thank you for your love, for your mercy lord, for your forgiveness and grace, thank you for your Son, and your plan, and your heart. Thank you for the many blessings I have been given, thank you for opportunities and parents who love me. Thank you for friendships, and education and job opportunities  thank you for love and the experience of it that I have had in romantic relationships, in family relationships and friend relationships.

Lord I am tainted and my mind is tainted but I need you and if  I know nothing else I do know that I NEED you and that I your love overrides anything else that matters.

I truly desire to know a perfect love like yours in a deep and intimate way. a way that will cleanse all of my mistakes, and all of the hurt i have caused and that has been caused toward me. I want to know so deeply your love that it penetrates the core of my soul and that it grows and overflows out of me. that it will shine through every dark corner that the enemy tries to lurk in. That it will cast out all fear and I will know that!

-Heather 

I hope that somehow this mess of an entry reaches your heart and shows you that you are not alone in how you feel. You are not alone in the battle we face every day, a battle to choose destruction or freedom, the world or the Holy One. I hope this brings you comfort and security that you are not indeed, crazy. 

Christ's Love for Us

How great is the Fathers love for us? We all have this ideal of what His love looks like, how far and how wide it may go. We read it in His word everywhere, without His love nothing else matters, without His love fear creeps in, without His love we cannot know Him, see Him, or seek Him. His love is perfect and unfailing, His love is just and righteous, His love is not self-seeking, His love is what caused Him to send His only son to die for each of our sins. His love is the reason we are free. But we can read all of this on paper and still not know His love.

Lately the Lord has really been pressing in and trying to get me to dig deep with Him about His love. It has haunted my dreams and thoughts and is one of my deepest desires: To know the Fathers love for me. To understand the cross. I want His love to dig deep into my soul, take out all the dead roots, and replace new seeds of His love. I want to dwell within me so deeply and take over my every thought and action. I want to know His love so closely and deeply that I am blinded by everything else. I want to know His love so much that every action will stem from knowing His love.

For so long I have been dealing with fear and guilt, trying to just break it off in the name of Jesus. Yes, deliverance is good, but my new understanding is that my fear and  guilt stem from not knowing His love as well as I thought I did. That instead of my actions coming from a deep conviction and desire from His love touching me so deeply, it has been coming out of obligation and my religious mindset. I have been living a dead life, I have been in a slumber of lies and hopelessness and have forgotten that I know the  best news possible! That Christ not only died for me but desires my love. He does not need my love, nor does He need anything. But He wants me to know Him, to fellowship with Him, and to abide in His love. (John 15:9-10).

Andrew Murray said it well when he wrote, "What a blessed life! Christ desires every disciple to live in the power of the very same love of God that He himself experienced."

Everything else we do is worthless if we do it without love. It can be confusing and overwhelming in our small little human brains to try and figure out the Fathers love for us. But instead of trying to figure out His love, or live life with a orphan mentality where you forget what price was paid for you, allow God to romance you and reveal His unending love for you.

 I pray that you allow this love to change your life in every aspect. The way you think, the way you live, and the way you treat others. I pray that the desire and conviction that has touched me will touch you and you will give into Him. Because it is a journey worth traveling!

Relentless Love

Well, my last post was the first of what was supposed to be a challenge to read a bible verse daily and meditate on it publicly. That was an epic fail, but there is grace, right?? Almost seven months later I am in a new season. A season of preparation, a season of being molded, a season of being taken through the fire. It is a tough season, but a great season. Today I felt like the Lord wants me to share a verse in Colossians:

"Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must  do. But above all these things put on love which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful." Colossians 3:12-15

This verse describes the way Jesus lived His life: selfless. He was tender with mercy, kind, humble, meek, and he patiently endured trials. He didn't just  forgive you and me, He died so that we could be forgiven. But above all these things, he chose love. He chose to love the prostitute and the poor, He chose to love the annoying girl in your class, or the guy that seems to live to make your life difficult. Most of all, He chose to love you and me, with our sins, imperfections and all. Think of the person you wish you never had to spend a second with, He loved that person, He died for that person. It may be difficult to be around certain people, but we can CHOOSE to love them and we can choose to see them as Christ sees them.

This verse describes Jesus, but it also describes the characteristics of who God wants us to be. You see, even if we don't act this way God sees us with each of these characteristics. Because Jesus died for us, He sees us perfect and without flaw. He sees us with His love, His kindness, His humility, His meekness, His longsuffering. We are already this way, we just have to CHOOSE to walk out in this identity! When we become impatient, prideful, annoyed, hopeless, we are believing the lies of Satan and we choose to live in the Identity that he speaks over us. We can't let him beat us down anymore, when we all start choosing to believe our heavenly identity this world will completely shift. God has already won this war, the victory is ours, lets start walking out in our victory instead of striving for  the victory that has already been given to us!

I leave you with a quote, "Any area that does not glisten with hope means you are believing a lie and it is a stronghold of the devil" -anonymous

LETS STOP BELIEVING THOSE LIES!

God bless,

Heather

The Challenge: Day 1

The Lord has challenged me to wait on Him to reveal a verse, meditate on it, and write publicly about it.

So here goes Day 1!

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all of your heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from your captivity; I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you , says the Lord, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you be be carried away captive." Jeremiah 29: 11-14

This verse is in Jeremiah's letter to the captives, I think about the captives in bondage now, including myself. Being captive can mean so many things, it can mean anything from being a slave to sex trafficking, to being a slave of television. It is so easy to be taken captive by the things of this world, media, relationships, pornography, food, etc. You name it. I would say most, if not all, the time we never intend to become captive. It is a slow process that the enemy sticks his nasty little hands in. He lures us with the enticement of the object our flesh is desiring. Then we stick our toe in just to see how it feels, next time a foot, a leg, until eventually we are drowning in the nasty sin. We become slaves, we become captive. Then once we are in, we began to believe all the lies the enemy tells us, "God hates you, you wouldn't be in this situation if he didn't", "Where is your God now? Why isn't he saving you?" "You are a disappointment to God!" "He is disgusted by you!" And we just began this path of self-destruction.

But there is GOOD NEWS! The Enemy has already lost! The Lord has already won! The Lord loves you and thinks nothing but thoughts of peace about you! He wants to give you a future and a hope! Don't let the enemy tell you what God thinks about you! He will NEVER tell you the truth. A good rule to follow is if the enemy is telling you one thing, believe the exact opposite! The Lord has not forgotten about you no matter how far away He may seem, no matter how silent his voice sounds to you. He is relentless when it comes to pursuing you. See Jeremiah 29 states that "when you search for Him with ALL of your heart, you will find Him" that is a delightful promise! An even more delightful promise is that he will "bring you back from your captivity!" He will not let you drown in it. You simply have to seek Him, see sometimes we tend to think the Lord is just going to come down and save us without us doing anything. Because He wants us to choose to love him, we have a choice to ask Him for our help. So we must call for him and pray to Him and he promises He will listen and bring you out of the darkness.

Never believe you are too far in the deep end to be rescued by your beloved. He loves you more then we will ever know until we are united with Him in heaven!

A question I have for readers! Why do you think He says He will bring us back to the place from which He rescued us out of our captivity? 

Incurable Fanatic

This blog post comes out of procrastination of homework and lack of sleep. As I sit here at IHOP I have so much going on in my mind. I have asked the Lord to give me His heart for His people. Though days it is a terrible burden I know that I couldn't ask for a better gift. As I sit and watch these two women sit at a table next to me, I am intrigued by their big hair and lack of clothing, and my heart sinks. My mind instantly turns to all I know of sex trafficking. I can't help but wonder, "Are they in bondage?" As I continue to listen to bits of their conversation, I seem to feel certain of they are. I am burning to go talk to them, but I hear the voice of the Lord, "No my beloved" and then He reminds of the hotline stickers in my bag. I instantly go to the bathroom and post a sticker in each stall of a human trafficking hotline number that anyone who is in trouble can call for help. I return my table and can't help but feel I have done nothing. I cry in my heart, "Lord, why do I feel so helpless lately? Aren't I supposed to love the orphans, widows and prostitutes?" All I feel like I have been doing is running away or doing the easy thing. "when, Lord, when can I love them?"

I sit and ponder awhile longer and realize my striving heart and self-righteous attitude. I so easily make it about me and how I can do something to feel better about myself. Thank you for your grace and mercy Lord. Last night I went and saw the documentary "Nefarious: Merchant of Souls" for the second time. This documentary, created by the organization Exodus Cry, is about sex trafficking around the world. The first time I saw it I weeped and felt so much brokeness. This time I was hurting for the victims and traffickers, but my heart also fell more in love with the Lord and his gentleness and love for His daughters and sons. I have so much hope that He has already set the captives free.

A staff member of Exodus Cry came out after the showing and I was in awe of his boldness to speak truth when its uncomfortable. He called the church out about turning our heads and trying to forget this issue. He reminded me that this is a spiritual battle. This is bigger then us. Gods heart is broken for injustice. He wants His people to be set free and to know their purpose and the love He has for them! Oh, I won't that more then anything for the beautiful daughters of the Beloved. I want them to know they are loved, I want them to know they are not shamed or condemned, I want them to know they are beautiful, they are holy, they are clean, they are forgiven!

I am called to be an incurable fanatic, I am claiming my identity so the captives can know theirs!

As I Am.

Lately I have been in this season where I feel like I need to strive to receive God's love. I have allowed myself to believe all of these lies the enemy is throwing at me. I seem to always think that the Lord's love is like a humans love: selfish and temporary. I continue to try and be better and always fail. I continue to think if I just do this one more thing He will love me more. I continue to think He is disappointed in my failures and that all He sees is a big mess crying herself to sleep every night.

The reason I share this with you is because I know many of us feel this way. Believers and non-believers. And I am here to tell you that if you are feeling anything like I just stated you are giving into the enemies BIG, FAT, STUPID, LIES. He thinks hes clever, but if you just sit for a moment and think about what you are believing you will start to laugh. You will laugh because you will see how unoriginal he is and how he has been using the same lies for decades.

Once I got over my pity party I realized that if all of these things I was hearing and believing about the Lords love was true, why in the heck would I worship Him and give up my whole life? It isn't because He is unhappy with my performance or think I can do a lot better. It isn't because of a challenge I have to be as good as I can and then He will love me. No, it isn't like human love at all. In a podcast by Graham Cooke called "The Inheritance", he talks about God loving us. He says that "we could do nothing to where God would love us more. We can also do nothing to where God would love us less." God loves us as we are, He sees us as His perfect beloved and we will always be His perfect beloved. We don't have to strive to be better, we don't even have to do anything. He loves us because it is His nature to love us. He can't help it.

I know it seems impossible to believe when we are surrounded by the pressure of humans telling us we have to be better. The pressures of being successful, beautiful and intelligent. The pressures of people telling us we are good enough and we must be better to be liked or even loved. But there is good news! GREAT NEWS! Jesus died for our sins, we know longer have to live with the guilt of our imperfections. God doesn't just forgive us, he forgets! We can live a life of freedom because our Savior died the penalty for us. Nothing else matters. In fact, Philippians 3:8 says, "Everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord."

Everything on earth is going to perish, we don't need to waste our time worrying about how well we performed. God loves us for who we are, I challenge you to quit living as if you are a prisoner, you were set free along time ago, now you just have to choose to live like you are.

In Christ,

-Heather

"Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:11-12

Book Sneeze Review #2

Great book if you want to use your creative side. It has so many fun ideas and they are easy to do! It makes journaling that much more fun!!!! You have easy crafts for beginners and some that are a little tough for those who want to challenge themselves. I like the way they organized the picturesa and instructions on the page. I also liked the way they organized the book in general.